Updated: Mar 30
Make a plan. Plan fail. Make another plan. Plan fail. I seem to be going through this cycle, over and over and over again. I don’t know if I should say the plans fail, it’s more like I don’t see the plans through. Urrgh!
Too many times I am left feeling like a failure. But how can I be a failure when I don’t see the plan through to know if it worked or fail? I ask myself this over and over again. I get into the rut of having this gigantic fight with myself over if I’m a failure or am I the biggest procrastinator this side of the space I occupy with so many others.
Writing about my thoughts, my days, my adventures has always been my thing. I have journals galore filled with my life. The life that has been good, bad, ugly, and all the in between. For years I’ve told myself to take those journals and turn them into a book. My mother would hound me about taking my life experience and tell it to the world. She would say, “Dena, you have a story. You are to help someone else.” I would agree with her, but never take the time to go any further. Then I’m stuck in that vicious cycle again…plan, do nothing, plan, do nothing, get upset, do nothing, beat myself up, and on and on. Am I the only one?
What am I afraid of? That is a question that I can not answer. I really don’t know. Ok, so what’s holding me back? I don’t know that either. My kids are adults doing their own thing…there was a time I would use that as an excuse. I have a supportive husband, so that’s not holding me back. I work a full-time job, a standard 8 to 5, but is that really holding me back? Maybe it’s my illness -Lupus- that leave me fighting fatigue. That can’t be it because I can write from the comfort of my home, my bed. Nope, that’s not it. Well what is it? Drumroll please…ME…it’s me. I can’t blame anyone or anything else for my lack of following through. I can’t use anyone or anything as an excuse as to why I have made numerous plans but never followed through.
So now what? What happens now that I have identified my enemy? I get up, grab that planner that my daughter so graciously gifted me with when I told her I need to plan, and get to planning. What will be different this time? I will commit my plans before the Lord and my plans will be established, Proverbs 16:3. I can no longer continue the vicious cycle I’ve been on, sabotaging my dreams, only to be left wondering what if. Today I was reminded by a dear relative that amazing is on the other side of fear. I want my amazing!
Greatness lives within you, therefore go out and be great!